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The art of becoming a godperson

Are you lazy and wish to make a large fortune in a short time frame? Are you unethical? Do you want to become a political force? This career might be for you. India is a deeply spiritual country and has a strong market for people who can sell super-fast spirituality. We have discussed some topics that are covered in our master godperson course here.

Brand identity: This is important (not really). This is what people will remember you for. You can package established biological processes and sell them at ridiculous costs. The skill of digestion, talent of heart beats etc are suggestions. Don’t worry if you don’t do anything related to that or if science is not on your side. Science is only for people who think.

Naming yourself: Add the terms baba, mahadev, sadhguru, yogi etc., liberally in any order. You can add multiple respect inducing terms in your name shamelessly, based on how many followers you have. The number of terms in your name shows the power of your spirituality.

Miracles: Learn cheap parlour tricks that can be done with ease. Figure out ways to materialise idols from your mouth, holy ash from your hands via our courses. Do not worry about getting caught. When magicians do tricks, people will watch intently with skepticism, but when you do it, they won’t even notice. Pro tip: Ignore critics who ask you to use your powers to produce food and water to help the poor.

Pricing: Try to package different levels of salvation for people with different budgetary capabilities. A quick Rs 500 pack for the casual trial version, a Rs 3,000 weekend plan, all the way to a master annual version priced upwards of Rs 30,000 will cater to the various needs of your clientele. Remember that money is evil. This is why you are graciously taking it away from the hands of people. Don’t worry about poor people. Spirituality is an expensive entertainment show. It is not for all.

Handling Irony: You can be the head of an empire worth thousands of crores. You can stay in a palace with gold toilets and silver cutlery. You can travel everywhere in foreign cars and chartered flights. Despite all this, you can ask your supporters to live simply (off your products) and reject materialism. Self-criticism is weakness. Our alumni Babu Rajdave is a testament to this.

Publicity: Quickly rope in some popular actors and give them special discounts (or even free spirituality) to retain them. When they shoot up in popularity, so will you along with them.

Dealing with critics: Call them anti-national.